Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
