Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
