Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
