He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
