Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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