who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
