I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
