New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
