watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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