Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
