yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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