the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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