When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
