She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
