I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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