that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
