Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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