Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
