I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
