i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
