my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
