youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
