I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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