yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
