I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Two words: blizzard sex
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
