I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
