thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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