using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
