i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
