i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
