someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
