I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
