I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
