Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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