the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
