Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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