He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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