i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You ate ashes out of my bong
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
