Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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