I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
