You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
