I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
