I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
