I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
