There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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