she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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