Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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