He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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