Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
