New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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