so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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