I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
